Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Back again, this time with a ramble!

I am sorry I haven't written in a while, to be honest I was busy "living life" and ignoring the fact that I had cancer! I finished treatment and tried to figure out how to go about my life as a "cancer survivor". I realized that this diagnosis can not be ignored, not matter how much my hair grows back or that surgery or chemo is over. I felt stronger and started walking 3 miles about 3 or 4x's a week. I soon realized that my RA was not in remission and that I will need to go back to the weekly shots- not the news I wanted to hear, because those shots can cause cancer and I am TERRIFIED of getting it again. I went to a support group to try to deal with my "new life" and as soon as I heard the story of the young lady who had breast cancer return in her bones, I couldn' t go back. I'm scared and I don't want to hear that my fears are justified. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself, I see a different person who now has gray very short hair and it brings back to light, that I had cancer. Coming to the realization that I will never be the same person I was before has been difficult, but then again; if I come out a BETTER person, it might be worth it! Please realize, if you meet anyone that has had cancer, they are going to be different than they were before. They will think deeper, care more, laugh louder, and love harder than the average person. But also know, underneath that strength and vitality is someone that knows they should make the most of every day for they are scared that in the blink of an eye there won't be another one! That is what I have been doing, making the most of every day!!!
Now it is time to deal with my next breast cancer road- Friday I go in for the removal of my tissue expanders, the removal of my port and the placement of my implants. This is not a road I EVER thought I would be on. I have had large breast since I was in 9th grade and never once thought I would be going in for silicone implants! I had often wished for a reduction, but the amputation I went through in October was not a wish that was granted well! Let's all just hope that Dr Leake picks out some cute little perky ones that I will be happy with!!! ha ha
As with any surgery, I don't know where this road will lead. I have heard horror stories about the implants, I have heard people say it was not that bad, but I have also learned to be prepared in the event something does go horribly wrong. Hell, I hope that is how everyone lives their life anyway- as if something could go horribly wrong at any time! Live each day as if it is your last and make an impression on anyone you meet! New motto, live like Tim Hunt! He passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago and he died "a good man". He lived each day being nice to everyone and I don't know if he knew what he was doing, or if he intentionally tried to make an impression on everyone he met, but he sure did! Maybe it's because he had been given so many new chances at life, he survived stage 4 cancer 20 years ago, had multiple heart attacks, and various other health problems- maybe he knew the VALUE of LIFE! It's sad it takes an illness or a diagnosis to learn this value.
I have tried to teach my kids to live life to the fullest, to respect themselves, not to waste time and not to "settle". If I can also now impress upon them to be a "great person" to make a good impression and to be "nice" to everyone that they come in contact with.....even the mailman- I have done a damn good job as their mother! They are my greatest accomplishment and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to be their mother, I am blessed!

No comments:

Post a Comment