Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Ready, set

By now, all of you know how important all my "sisters" are to me, my real one and all those I have chosen to be my sisters. But this past weekend, Kimmie (my chosen sister) took me to St. Simons. She is one of the best sisters anyone could pick for themself! We were coming home on Monday, but we decided to postpone our return back to reality. I changed my pre-op appointment with Dr Leake to Wednesday, so we turned around- with the car all packed and promptly went BACK to the beach. As soon as we were all packed and we got into the car, I started having a panic attack- I wasn't ready to come back and face reality. Kim and Lloyd understood that and they both said, " you do what you need to do". I delayed the the panic and told Kim to turn around!
We spent the day at the beach, then we came in and sat on the balcony and talked. About dusk, Kim said, "come on ,we got to go take a drive." We hopped on the golf cart and went over to the Historic Coast Guard House and to the most beautiful beach on St. Simons. My nephew is in the Coast Guard, so I posted that picture on my Facebook page- he promptly responded with the CG motto- semper paratus (always ready or always prepared). I said in response to that, JUST LIKE AUNT T! 
Well, I woke up Tuesday morning having another panic attack, because it was... time. It was time to go back and face reality and to prepare- Problem do you prepare for this? How do you prepare for or get ready to face the reality of Breast Cancer?
I am at a loss- I have read other blogs and tried to take heed. Button up shirts, pj's with pockets for your drains, recliners to sleep in for as long as 2 weeks to 2 months (don't have that yet, but my husband is hurriedly making a swinging bed for my back porch!) Anyway, one week from today I will transform my body. I have had boobs- big ones, since 9th grade. Never really liked them, but they were me and who I have been. Don't get me wrong- I am not having second thoughts about a mastectomy! I want this cancer GONE!! After the surgery, I have a wedding to make sure is "prepared". I will have only 10 days to be back up and ready for my daughter's wedding. Talking about being in panic mode- I rushed out last week and bought 3 more dresses- All of that stuff, I THOUGHT was stressful enough without dealing with cancer too! Now, that wedding sounds like an easy task! On top of the wedding, my daughter has told me she is having to move away after the wedding. I wasn't prepared for that either. I totally feel I am not ready for anything! So after all of that, I will need to be prepared for chemo- 4 months of it! How the hell do you prepare to have red poison pumped in your body? I don't know the answer to that question, either.
So Aunt T- the one who is always prepared- who always is always ready, ready to have fun, ready for shenanigans, ready to be in control, ready to take care of everyone and everything, ready to pull anything out of her pocketbook like food or bandaids, ready to GO, ready for ANYTHING. Aunt T doesn't feel ready for this and that scares me!

1 comment:

  1. Traci, just praying for your peace of mind as you try to come to terms with everything happening to you and around you in the weeks to come. Girl, I am on your team and will be cheering you on! You don't have to have all of the answers right now. Just make each decision as it comes and pray about the rest. Funny thing about life, everything just seems to fall into place at the least expected moment and seems to work out just fine. You do not know what your future holds, but you know who holds your future in the palm of his hands. Prayers being said for you and your amazing recovery!!!